Lost smile...🙃

I smiled climbing up the stairs looking at you
All the while I was climbing, you kept guiding me through ;
Cautioning and motivating.
Your motivation made me skip a few steps and reach faster initially
But your cautions and reminders of people who had already taken the route and your appreciation for them made me stop a bit, think and leap slowly ;
Slower than ever before.
Didn't want to go any further
I had never thought of looking back
But the ones who had long gone were only physically gone and not mentally.
Along with it being a task to climb up, there was pressure, a hell lot of pressure to be equal to or better than the ones who had used this path.
I looked back when I didn't want to as the journey wasn't pleasing any more
I had come half way,
The remaining journey constantly reminded me of the struggles of the path that I had taken earlier
I started to feel I had nothing to do up there
It would be another painful spot like the past
There was constant fear throughout our nostalgic journey of warnings and reminders
Wasn't sure if the fear was for your curiosity or for my unwillingness to open up just like you-
A fear of vulnerability.
There's nothing more heart breaking than the fear of being rejected
I had lost my smile with this fear.
Would you leave me all alone mid way if you knew all my flaws and imperfections?
Would you judge me for every wrong step and wrong deed taken in the past ?
I was trying to stay calm in the chaos
But my dear friend for the good of both of us, I have decided to quit
To go back getting down the stairs to the same place where I was all alone by myself;
A place where there was no hope,
A place where I was the queen with my imperfections and flaws,
A place that gave me the liberty to  be the way I wanted to,
A place where I would be appreciated,
A place where I was unanswerable,
And today I decide to quit,
Although I never knew what giving up was even before trying,
To bring back the lost smile on my face.