Lost smile...🙃

I smiled climbing up the stairs looking at you
All the while I was climbing, you kept guiding me through ;
Cautioning and motivating.
Your motivation made me skip a few steps and reach faster initially
But your cautions and reminders of people who had already taken the route and your appreciation for them made me stop a bit, think and leap slowly ;
Slower than ever before.
Didn't want to go any further
I had never thought of looking back
But the ones who had long gone were only physically gone and not mentally.
Along with it being a task to climb up, there was pressure, a hell lot of pressure to be equal to or better than the ones who had used this path.
I looked back when I didn't want to as the journey wasn't pleasing any more
I had come half way,
The remaining journey constantly reminded me of the struggles of the path that I had taken earlier
I started to feel I had nothing to do up there
It would be another painful spot like the past
There was constant fear throughout our nostalgic journey of warnings and reminders
Wasn't sure if the fear was for your curiosity or for my unwillingness to open up just like you-
A fear of vulnerability.
There's nothing more heart breaking than the fear of being rejected
I had lost my smile with this fear.
Would you leave me all alone mid way if you knew all my flaws and imperfections?
Would you judge me for every wrong step and wrong deed taken in the past ?
I was trying to stay calm in the chaos
But my dear friend for the good of both of us, I have decided to quit
To go back getting down the stairs to the same place where I was all alone by myself;
A place where there was no hope,
A place where I was the queen with my imperfections and flaws,
A place that gave me the liberty to  be the way I wanted to,
A place where I would be appreciated,
A place where I was unanswerable,
And today I decide to quit,
Although I never knew what giving up was even before trying,
To bring back the lost smile on my face.

Beyonce ❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍😍

https://youtu.be/4S37SGxZSMc

I don't know...

I don't know if I should be thankful for making me survive safe for 24 years or should I feel sorry for not being able to do anything to a little girl although I'm 4 times older than her

I don't know if I should be thankful for having the freedom to wear what I wanted to or should I feel sorry for a girl being eaten even in a frock

I don't know if I should be thankful for being around with men who respect and uplift women or feel sorry that I am not able to punish men who treat women like a flesh to satisfy temporary needs

I don't know if I should be thankful for having all the means to reach out for help even for a small defect in a product or should I feel sorry that there are communities that are helpless even after seeing their families getting killed

I don't know if I should be thankful for having an opportunity to learn different laws or should I feel sorry that there are offenses unimaginable by law makers

I don't know if I should be thankful  that I belong to a country which is rich in it's culture or should I feel sorry that barbaric acts happen in holy places in the same country

I don't know if I should be thankful for being protected from the terrorists by our soldiers in the border or feel sorry for having terror minded men within our country

I don't know if I should be thankful for having equal opportunities like men or should I feel sorry for those women who are dead under the bodies of men

I don't know if I should be thankful for being a women or feel sorry for being a women.

A letter that scares me...

"I don’t know how to say this to you but I might as well now as I have nothing to lose. I’ve already lost everything. If you’re reading this I might have already left or about to leave. I am broken inside. You may not have known this but you affected me deeply to a point where I lost myself in loving you. Yet you tortured me everyday.
These days I see no light I wake up not wanting to wake up. There was a time I saw my life with you, a future with you. But you shattered my dreams. I feel dead inside. I’ve never given so much of myself to someone or cared so much. You returned my love with cheating and lies. It didn’t matter how many gifts I gave you or how beautiful I looked for you.
I was scared of getting pregnant but I gave myself completely the pain you have caused me everyday has destroyed every bit of me, destroyed my soul. I can’t eat or sleep or think or function. I am running away from everything. The career is not even worth it anymore.
When I first met you I was driven, ambitious and disciplined. Then I fell for you, a love I thought would bring out the best in me. I don’t know why destiny brought us together. After all the pain, the rape, the abuse, the torture I have seen previously I didn’t deserve this.
I didn’t see any love or commitment from you. I just became increasingly scared that you would hurt me mentally or physically. Your life was about partying and women. Mine was you and my work. If I stay here I will crave you and miss you.
So I am kissing my 10-year career and dreams goodbye. I never told you but I received a message about you. About you cheating on me. I chose to ignore it, decided to trust you. You embarrassed me. I never went out, I never went with anyone else. I am a loyal person. I never met anyone with Karthik I just wanted you to feel how you make me feel constantly.
No other woman will give you as much as I did or love you as much as I did. I can write that in my blood. Things were looking up for me here, but is it worth it when you constantly feel the pain of heartbreak when the person you love wants to abuse you or threatens o hit you or cheats on you telling other girls they are beautiful or throws you out of their house when you have no where to go and you’ve come to them out of love or when they lie to your face or they make you chase after them in their car.
Or disrespects their family. You never even met my sister. I bought your sister presents. You tore my soul. I have no reason to breathe anymore. All I wanted was love. I did everything for you. I was working for us. But you were never my partner. My future is destroyed my happiness snatched away from me.
I always wished the best for you, was ready to invest what little money I had in your betterment. You never appreciated my love, Kicked me in the face. I have no confidence or self esteem left, whatever talent whatever ambition you took it all away. You destroyed my life. It hurt me so much that I waited for you for ten days and you didn’t bother buying me something.
The Goa trip was my birthday present but even after you cheated I still spent on you. I aborted our baby when it hurt me deeply. You destroyed my Christmas and my birthday dinner when I came back. When I tried my hardest to make your birthday special. You chose to be away from me on Valentines Day. You promised me once we made it to one year we would get engaged. All you want in life is partying, your women and your selfish motives.
All I wanted was you and my happiness you took both away from me. I spent money on you selflessly you would throw in my face. When I would cry for you. I have nothing left in this world to live for after this. I wish you had loved me like I loved you.
I dreamt of our future. I dreamt f our success. I leave this place with nothing but broken dreams and empty promises. All I want now is to go to sleep and never wake up again. I am nothing. I had everything. I felt so alone even while with you. You made me feel alone and vulnerable. I am so much more than this.”

 Jiah's letter to Suraj Pancholi


I don't know if it was really written by Jiah, but I could sense deep pain and I empathise through the words which went unsaid when she was alive. Reading this makes me wonder, if love is really worth our life and career. It fears me to even think of  getting attached to somebody. I think of the trauma that she must have undergone although I've never met her. I feel our souls are connected.After all only a woman can understand woman. My prayers and deepest condolences to this beautiful soul who left India shocked years back. Hope you get justice atleast after your death.


Reference:
AS PUBLISHED BY THIS WEBSITE
http://www.dnaindia.com/entertainment/report-full-text-of-jiah-khan-s-letter-i-aborted-our-baby-when-it-hurt-me-deeply-1846027

Note:
I am not trying to support any party. I do not know the authenticity of the facts given.  I have used it because it has deeply moved me.